kind of rewinding some of my past events and then thinking to write something about it. ok so after 13th march, us students were required to restrict ourselves to our homes and to not come to school. at that moment, it was kind of normal for me and I didn’t particularly thought about it because i was like ‘ yeah more time for me to study and do stuff’ though it was difficult. everything was weird and strange, it felt like time will never end(ik v cliché to say this) but it was all real. so nowadays, i have started reading some books and one of them is about ‘how to find reasons to stay alive’ and I came across a part which I could deffo link to one of my previous life events that happened in the mid of march and lasted at least a month (like till the time that I received the news of exams being postponed)
thou firstly to clarify everything up, I was not in the best condition even before this quarantine because constant exams, social anxiety and loneliness kind of played a part in deteriorating my health which was noticed while I was giving my mocks, thou the time of quarantine was more severe.
now let’s move upon the part where I read something and how I was able to relate it with dat,so here it goes: “One of the key symptoms of depression is to see no hope. No future. Far from the tunnel having light at the end of it, it seems like it is blocked at both ends, and you are inside it. So if I could have only known the future, that there would be one far brighter than anything I’d experienced, then one end of that tunnel would have been blown to pieces, and I could have faced the light”
in dat moment, it felt like there was a dead end ( in words that I consider fancy xD like ‘cul de sac’), that it was so difficult to seek hope because it almost felt like non-existent or something.
I remember times where I used to get up from my sleep and tried to clear everything by talking to my own self but it didn’t worked out because my mind constantly reminded me that there is no real presence near you. us waqt, I craved for a presence of my classmates/ friends to be around me but even in my neighbourhood, because of covid and stuff, everyone were not visible to me. I remember how I used to take out time like usually when it was 3 ish in the day, and I used to go up to offer my prayers under the sky, although the feeling itself of praying used to satisfy me but I still could not hear any human voice. so then, I tried a different tactic, usually on Friday, when I knew that some people go to mosque for congregational prayers, I used to go up, offer my prayers under the same sky but this time around, when I used to hear the imam reciting verses, I used to consider that a human presence and it made me satisfied for some time being. those times were weird. I stared oversleeping but waking up was so difficult and my back always used to hurt. I used to force myself to study like the whole day (from 6 am – 2 p.m) and then ( 4 pm – 8 pm), still felt like I wasn’t studying at all. I felt like, whatever I tried, it never worked out and idk why but every-time I woke up, there was a genuine hatred coming from my own self to my phone and I used to legitimately throw it away.
around 8 p.m, I used to be so tired that without even thinking about anything, I used to literally fall on my bed and like used to wake up the next morning. I still remember how I used to switch off my internet access on my phone so I couldn’t receive any messages and now I will vent out here what made me mad about this whole online stuff.
acha, so u know how I told u all that I have really less online friends, what I wanted was kay people to message me frequently and like I could engage in a conversation and relate my problems with them. sometimes I felt frustrated, how I am not like that at all so the feeling of imagining it or being in a fantasy like ‘oohhh, people texting me’ in itself somewhat satisfied me. so I used to turn off my internet because duh, if I let open my internet access on my phone and not here any notification, it would have made me even more sad.
one last try that I did to make me feel better until I gave up was when I told myself how instead of forcefully waking up, I’ll wake up whenever I want to, so one day I tried to do that, woke up around 12 p.m. and tried to replicate everything that happened to me on 13th march (excluding the interaction with humans) , so took a shower and went up, walked in circles like I did that day but it failed as a) it was hot and b) it sucked to not find anyone around me. the reason why I woke up so late that day, was because I slept late and u know why?
bcz apparently I was so stupid to think like that(kind of self-destructive) and consumed 3 panadol tablets without any reason and not telling anyone about it. so I hope that u people would never do that because I was unable to sleep, my stomach was so flat and I was shivering(even though , it was really hot) and my feet were the coldest. coupled with this, I started to skip meals and yeah so they were some v difficult times. and my studies were greatly affected from this
though, I finally was able to seek hope when ramadan started and for almost everyday, I was v productive and felt like I will be able to manage my caies but never knew that the uncertainty level would have been so high that my exams would have been postponed
so I just want to say, that it sometimes feel like that this time will never end but it is okay to feel that and one must accept it rather than avoiding their depression( also try not to give up on ur life) because that Wednesday might come to u where u will be happy ;))