somewhere between okay and…

idk. life really has been weird. Everyday, either surrounds with a strong nostalgia or some kind of emptiness. There are days which pass by and it feels useless to live a life when it’s not really being productive.And then all I do, is feel guilty about it . I don’t even know what I am feeling nowadays. The year 2020, reminds me of that long water slides I used to play on , in swimming pools. Everyday, is just not the same, but the thing which hurts the most is that all I want is to spend these days in a productive way. It is hard for me to sustain it for a longer period of time. It is like I want to do something good in this world but the demons inside me ( my own self) is stopping me from doing this. And it’s weird because I feel guilty when I don’t do good. I think, sometimes I am hallucinating, although *I don’t use LSD XD* but still, these online classes are making me crazy. I don’t feel like going back to school in January because I won’t be able to wear the mask. The thing is , I have severe acne and like , I used to love the mask because it kind of hid everything but now I feel more anxious. Although, these past two months were really hectic, but when I now look back at these times, I just want to rewind back. I want those days, where everything was organised and going according to my expectations. There were nights, where I used to utilise some time for my own self but now it’s just weird. I sleep really early because the chilly winters is making me more lazy.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Ashes says:

    Firstly, your pictures are so cute!

    Secondly, I really understand what you mean. And I know it can be really yucky being so unproductive and you end up feeling guilty and blaming yourself. But lemme tell you with complete certainty that this isn’t your fault. This isn’t you. This is literally what our brains become when we’re cooped up inside. There is so much uncertainty in the world right now and whether or not we’re consciously thinking about it doesn’t matter; our brains still pick up on it and stop us from being ourselves at our most potential. And if you still doubt this, even psychiatrists and psychologists are saying this.

    So please don’t beat yourself over this. This is just something in passing. When the time comes, true inspiration will strike when your mental health is better too and you’ll do something really meaningful, I just know it! So for now, just take care of yourself and set little goals that are doable. They end up making you feel much better.

    Lastly, you’re really beautiful, with or without the acne. I know we feel really self-conscious, honestly I have very bad acne too and I get so anxious about it. But really, people honestly don’t care about it as much as our mind makes us believe. Besides, anyone who ever judges you or makes fun of you for it isn’t worth your time and attention. And I WILL smack them for you if they say anything!
    So yes, just be yourself, because that’s honestly such a beauty and you make me so incredibly happy. ♥

    All my love,
    Eesha aapi
    (P.S, Sorry for the longass essay xD)

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I love long messages and I have heard this so many times , how it’s always better to set goals that are doable but mostly, I end up setting up really high expectations and the end result is that I fail to meet all of them. Though, I am trying to improve my current situation, like probably being more grateful and incorporating stuff in my routine that I love.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ashes says:

        Ahh yeah I get that but like everything, we’ve gotta start small and then work our way up to the bigger things or we’ll always end up disappointed, y’knoow? I hope you really manage to feel better and happier and more content soon! :’)

        Liked by 1 person

    2. thank you for this beautiful message!
      luv you

      Liked by 1 person

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